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Jun. 24th, 2005 03:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
javacatThis week, I've been alternating working really hard with periods of sluffing off and surfing the net. I've was seized with the thrill of auction sites today, and by special deals on DVD sites earlier this week, for which blame ratphooey. I've bought 2 CDs and bid on another, have to decide by the end of the day today whether or not to click the "buy" button for the DVDs. Still have a stack of work here, though, and can't stay late tonight to do it.
cut for personal stuff It's an example of one other way my life is not working for me. I know what I should do, and yet, I don't. I signed up to do this marathon walk, because I was all exercising demon in the AMs for awhile, and now I've quit doing anything remotely physical. I'm packing on the weight - it's literally painful, gaining weight. I guess it's skin stretching. Yuck.
I got all teary listening to the Fresh Air murderball interview yesterday, but, aha, oh, that was PMS, whaddaya know. Still it reminded me of the long months when I'd sob my way to and from work, about 40 minutes each way, every day. I don't do that any more, not for years, but I'm not happy either nor doing the things I love to do, or at least used to love to do. I haven't really been happy or active since P died, and that was, like, 10 years ago. I was so pissed off and hurt and betrayed. I wonder if maybe antidepressants would help. Maybe it isn't just laziness. I used to really love to hike and swim and scuba dive, and, oh, god I was so active, and felt so alive and happy. I keep trying to get myself there again, but I can't sustain it. It's a see-saw between, life sucks and eventually I'll die (thank god!) and okay, I feel pretty good, let's try to keep doing this. BLECH.
cut for personal stuff It's an example of one other way my life is not working for me. I know what I should do, and yet, I don't. I signed up to do this marathon walk, because I was all exercising demon in the AMs for awhile, and now I've quit doing anything remotely physical. I'm packing on the weight - it's literally painful, gaining weight. I guess it's skin stretching. Yuck.
I got all teary listening to the Fresh Air murderball interview yesterday, but, aha, oh, that was PMS, whaddaya know. Still it reminded me of the long months when I'd sob my way to and from work, about 40 minutes each way, every day. I don't do that any more, not for years, but I'm not happy either nor doing the things I love to do, or at least used to love to do. I haven't really been happy or active since P died, and that was, like, 10 years ago. I was so pissed off and hurt and betrayed. I wonder if maybe antidepressants would help. Maybe it isn't just laziness. I used to really love to hike and swim and scuba dive, and, oh, god I was so active, and felt so alive and happy. I keep trying to get myself there again, but I can't sustain it. It's a see-saw between, life sucks and eventually I'll die (thank god!) and okay, I feel pretty good, let's try to keep doing this. BLECH.